Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Eastern Valley, there was a princess of rare beauty and talent. Everyone knew this was true because King William said so. The king’s first child, a prince, was born with an infirmity. When the young prince died, the king put his whole heart and life into the life of his little princess. He vowed that he would spoil her so rotten that no knight could ever steal her away. Every wish that flickered in her thought was granted. The king gave her jewels and gold and promised her land in the Dry Valley she loved so much. In return, the princess would play music nightly as the king drank his ale. The king drank much ale. He was full of melancholy and the ale and music soothed his aching heart. The loss of his precious prince was a blow that the king would never overcome.
The king and queen of Eastern Valley were from different worlds and spoke different languages. Thus the age old dilemma of husband and wife communications. They just didn’t understand each other. Sometimes they would ride amicably in the same carriage but usually their interests kept them apart. Miraculously, a second princess was born. Emasculate Conception.
The queen, an excellent seamstress and gardener, busied herself with the princesses. She took them to the Cathedral, to the art museum, and to the cinema. The king took the princesses to the pub, to the market and to the business district where everyone would see his girls. He was very proud of his heirs. Secretly, the queen determined the princesses would marry someone that spoke her classical language and would improve their station in life. The king also had high hopes for his princesses. He sent them to Mountain Brook to be educated with all of the other proper and privileged young women of the region. Lessons were forced on the compliant elder daughter. She learned to paint, and to play the guitar. She studied voice with two instructors and keyboard with four teachers simultaneously. The elder princess had a difficult time standing up to the oppressive and obsessed queen. The younger princess defied the queen and joined the Navy to see the world. She did very well for herself with castles in Florida and North Carolina. The younger princess is unsure whether she will ever move back to the family kingdom.
The older princess was a good and obedient daughter. She was mainly discreet and never embarrassed the king or queen publicly. In return for pleasing her parents, she too was able to travel the world. The princess felt she was very lucky.
The elder princess had her choice of suitors. But, the king hoped his eldest daughter would marry the financial planner from Atlanta or the Harvard lawyer or even the FBI narc. Unfortunately, the elder princess was attracted to men like dear ole dad. She wanted a man who was exciting, unpredictable and passionate. Robin Hood, Henry VIII or an occasional Don Quixote seemed always to be lurking in the courtyard. Henry’s path veered sharply after high school and the queen breathed a sigh of relief. Midway through collegiate studies, the princess contemplated marriage to Robin. A piano, of the grand kind, was promised if the princess would remain unmarried until after graduation. By that time, the princess had met the financial planner and did not want to marry anyone.
During the week, the princess sold castles and taught peasants how to play the piano and organ. On the weekend, she danced the nights away. The princess thought her life was perfect.
One day, a highwayman attempted robbery and assassination of King William. After that, he found life, love and happiness fleeting. The king became restless. He set out on a quest to find the meaning of life. In his search, he soon found a silver convertible and his Dulcinea. They spoke the same language, American Legion. He left his palace and princesses behind as he found himself, amazingly enough, in a trailer park. Everyday the queen assured her daughters, he would come home soon.
But he didn’t, and the elder princess acted impulsively just like her father. Robin Hood had first proposed six years earlier and numerous times since. The princess told him if he still had a death wish, she would marry him. She took his proposal off the table. They married the next day in the back room of the real estate office where she worked weekends. She held a potted poinsettia for a bouquet as the part-time minister-drugstore-clerk officiated.
Robin was exciting and dangerous. Sometimes he stole from the rich and gave to the poor. Other times, he stole and just kept it. He obeyed the laws of the land as he saw fit. The king liked Robin, but threatened to kill him if he made the princess unhappy. Sometimes the king and Robin drank ale together. Robin drank ale with everyone. Eventually the king and queen reunited and the princess realized her mistake. Unfortunately, the king died before he could execute Robin.
The princess hated the merry men with whom Robin Hood spent his time. They went to the forest every weekend to hunt furry creatures. One of the merry men, Little Roy, decided to help Robin with the bitchy princess. Little Roy thought Robin Hood would inherit the kingdom of Dry Valley at her death. Roy knew much about collecting from insurance. The carriage of the princess was sabotaged several times until she told the authorities that Roy and Robin were trying to kill her. Amazingly enough, her carriage never had anymore problems.
The first time Robin called the princess from a dungeon was the last time he called her from a dungeon. The divorce decree was nailed to the door before his bail was posted. So, Robin Hood returned to the forest from whence he came.
The princess lived happily in her kingdom in Dry Valley with her two little hoods for the next six years. Occasionally the princess would go to Atlanta, see the financial counselor, and remember why they never married. Then one day, twenty-five years after their last conversation, Henry called. Like a jester, he made her laugh. After a few months of laughing, they married. She moved away to the mountain where Henry had his castle and left her beloved kingdom behind. The little hoods moved to the forest with their father not wishing to move away with the princess. Henry, who had been through numerous wives, assured the princess that they were all evil wenches of the sluttty kind. The princess naively believed him. After a few months, the laughing stopped.
After six months, on the day set aside to celebrate Mothers, Henry pronounced that he would kill the princess. She had defied his laws and she must be punished. The princess fled to unknown territories to hide from his wrath. After a month, when Henry’s anger subsided, she returned to his castle where he promised things would be different. Eighteen months after their wedding, the princess moved from the castle on Sand Mountain and returned to her kingdom permanently. She thought it would be safer since she did not seem to be able to keep from causing him to behave badly. Unfortunately, Henry decided to move to Dry Valley also. He promised to prove that he had really changed. On their second Mother’s Day together, Henry screamed at the princess. “I should have already killed you!” She escaped death with only minor bruising. The Sheriff helped Henry find his way out of the county safely. The little hoods were looking to impale him.
For the next three years, the princess lived alone in her Kingdom of Dry Valley. At first, she was very lonely. She had never lived by herself. Then she began to enjoy the peace, quiet, solitude and walking naked in the house. Occasionally, she visited the financial planner in Atlanta but he had a problem with her marital status. Again, she remembered why they never married. Since Henry did not get the pleasure of beheading his wife, he would not sign divorce papers either. Maybe he was a trifle miffed at the grounds: performance anxiety.
Robin Hood got a little woods nympho in the forest pregnant and is now raising a wife and a pre-schooler. For ole times sake, Robin offered to help the princess with her marital situation. He proposed to dethrone Henry, permanently. The princess contemplated the ramifications of that proposition. After three years, Henry tired of his vendetta. The princess was finally free.
The two little hoods have their own merry men and women. One raises hell on the Southside of Birmingham and the other in the County of Chilton.
The princess is happy again. She has caller ID and rarely talks to the unknown or her mother the queen. The princess paints her world with flowers, songs and words. During the week, she designs gardens for the gentry. On the weekend, she dances the nights away. Her life is almost perfect.